The Send Matt To Shitty Movies Fund: The First Film Is…

The Send Matt To Shitty Movies Fund: The First Film Is…

Jun 22

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.

It wasn’t even a contest, really. It left Garfield and The Lake House in the dust.

Oh, I may get to Garfield and The Lake House eventually, be certain of that. But my first order of business is to use the hard-earned American dollars donated to me by YOU, the fantastic Alert Nerd readership, to purchase one ticket for Tokyo Drift.

Then I will sit at my computer and savagely tear the film to shreds. Meaning that when the history is written, this summer’s experiment will stand as a revolutionary turning point in the evolution of participatory journalism.

This will all happen sometime next week, I’m guessing. My sister-in-law will be in town to coo over the new baby and help out, meaning I can afford to skip out on my young family for a few hours and watch a shitty movie. Which makes me a GREAT DAD.

I cracked it.

I cracked it.

Jun 22

So Cate the Wonder Baby is in this lovely pattern of eating, then cooing briefly, then screaming like a banshee (but not like Banshee, which would have already destroyed our home and killed Mommy and Daddy where we stood). Apparently, most babies do this.

WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL ME?!?!?!

Anywho, I sit with her, I watch Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear, she finally quiets down…at 11:52 p.m.

OH. EM. GEE.

TIME IS BROKEN! IT’S ALL HER FAULT! SO DARK THE CON OF MAN!

Fan Friction #1: Sex Trek!

Fan Friction #1: Sex Trek!

Jun 21

“Seven of Nine, I need you in my ready room,” Janeway barked.

She had one of those looks in her eyes, one of those looks Seven of Nine recognized all too well. One of those secret looks the two of them shared. A sultry, forbidden look, tinged with longing and smoke. The look…of love.

Seven of Nine made her way off the bridge of the U.S.S. Voyager and into the nearby ready room. Janeway had already entered and seated herself at her chair. Seven noticed the heaving swell of Janeway’s supple yet aged bosom, already fermenting like a fine wine, perhaps a merlot. She also hoped Janeway was noticing her own supple bosom, hanging from her chest like a pair of ripened apples waiting to be plucked from her sexy tree of sexy apples.

“Seven, I need you to do something…”

“Yes, Captain?” Seven’s lips parted slightly, seductively, with a slight seductive pout.

“We’ve been having some problems in the transporter room…I’ve cleared the staff from the area…I need you to make your way down there and…inspect the problem.”

Seven gasped slightly–she knew exactly what that code phrase, “inspect the problem,” meant. It meant that she was to perform secret nude repairs on the ship while Janeway enjoyed the show from her quarters through a closed-circuit camera.

“I’ll get right on it,” Seven sighed.

“I know that you will,” Janeway replied.

Seven stepped out of the ready room. Seated behind the desk, “Janeway” morphed…into a sinister Suliban.

“I know that you will,” he cackled before vanishing into time itself.

In Happier News…

In Happier News…

Jun 21

…Shat’s getting into the TV hall o’ fame!

On that note, I am off for vacation and shall return next week. I am totally going to meet some people from TEH INTARWEB while I’m away, OMG, LOL!

It's Not Me, It's You: Breaking Up with My Stories

It's Not Me, It's You: Breaking Up with My Stories

Jun 21

Disclaimer: the shows I’m going to mention in this post aren’t really genre, but the subject matter I’m discussing in reference to those shows is most definitely geeky. Also there are potential SPOILERS ahead, so read at your own risk.

I don’t give up on shows lightly. If I love a bit of TV, I will cling to it ferociously, occasionally going down with the sinking ship — hand over heart, eyes all misty, trying to remember what the hell I fell in love with in the first place. Even if I don’t like the direction a show is taking, it’s hard for me to just up and abandon the characters I’ve come to care for. I think the last time I did it was The O.C. — I adored that show’s first season and detested its second, and then it got stuck in an overcrowded time period and we can only TiVo two shows at once, so I jumped. I still feel a little bit bad. I bet my leaving is why little Seth Cohen started smoking pot and awesome, Berkeley-fied Sandy Cohen suddenly turned into The Man and also a giant douche (at least he seemed to be back to his old, lovable self in the season finale, which I did watch, mostly because it gloriously killed off one of the reasons I started hating the show in the first place, the sulky, irritating, badly acted Marissa Cooper).