Nerdly Advice – March 2, 2010
Nerdly Advice – March 2, 2010
Mar 02Nerds have questions, but nerds have to appear authoritative or risk losing their nerdy cred.
That’s why, as a recurring feature on Alert Nerd, Jeff answers these conundrums anonymously. It’s like Savage Love as written by Detective Chimp. We call it Nerdly Advice.
Dear Nerdly Advice,
I met this guy at trivia night not too long ago, and I know him well enough that we’re Facebook friends. Which is to say, pretty much only superficially. He keeps trying to ask me out without actually asking me out – saying things like “Hey, come out to the bar tonight. I’ll buy you a comic book.” I really don’t have anything against him and I’m sure he’s a nice guy. Nominally, he’s only being social and friendly – it’s not overly CREEPY or anything – but how can I make him stop without looking like a bitch?
Conflicted In Central City
Dear Conflicted,
Stop the presses. Did the guy who was trying to impress you just offer to buy you a single comic book as a bribe to spend time with him? Listen, I’m not a huge proponent of trying to put a pricetag on love or anything, but if the message is supposed to be that your company is worth $2.99, then you might want to worry so much about sparing feelings. I’m just saying. I know that I’ve made some harsh comments about fetishizing a hobby in this column in the past and they might be applicable here. If this guy is equating you to Comic Book Girl in his head, then that’s a warning sign, especially if it’s the sole motivating factor behind his interest.
But I’m sidetracking myself. There are two real things to look at here – first, why nerdy guys do this all the damn time and second, whether it’s even possible to defuse this without looking like the bad guy/girl?
Nerd guys are rarely known for being pillars of confidence. Mainly because they spend a lot of their younger lives being heaped on with rejection and derision from their peers and prospective paramours. As a result, we (and I say we because I’ve done this, too – I think any geek will cop to this behavior in at least one or two instances) don’t want to act on any of our relationship impulses without a degree of surety in our success. It’s hedging bets and it’s cowardly, but it’s also risk management from a certain point of view. It’s understandable, I guess, but there is nothing about risk management that is ever sexy.
If you’re interested in the guy, give him some time until he’s comfortable. Or ask him first – that’s always an option.
That said, if you don’t have a vibe with the guy in question, you really need to let him move on, and there’s no simple or nice way to do that. In fact, the nicer you are, the bitchier you’re going to seem. A quick and simple “I’m not that into you” conversation is going to sting at first but will be the best thing in the long run. Worse yet, if you string him along to not look like a bitch, what happens when he does ask you out?
If you’re honest and don’t go out of your way to be mean, you probably won’t come out of that convo looking like the villain. And it will teach the guy a valuable lesson, maybe.
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