Dear Sony: Alert Nerd Pitches Five Villains Lamer Than The Vulture
Dear Sony: Alert Nerd Pitches Five Villains Lamer Than The Vulture
Jan 12At the heart of the alleged kerfuffle between Sam Raimi and Sony Pictures, the one that resulted yesterday in Raimi and the cast of the film being chucked in favor of a hard Spider-reboot in 2012, is a disagreement over the film’s villain. Raimi was pulling for The Vulture, a classic Spidey baddie. John Malkovich – yes, John Malkovich – was attached to the role; of course, that should be taken with a grain of salt, just like 99% of casting rumors. Hell, I could probably say right here that Anna Kendrick is being considered to play Paper Doll and at least one person is going to run off and tell their friends that Anna Kendrick is going to be Paper Doll in the new Spider-Man film – you know, that one where Michael Cera is Peter Parker and has to fight that girl’s Sinister Six boyfriends or whatever (Scott Pilgrim:Spider-Man IV :: Blue Harvest:Star Wars, right?). Anyway, the Sony suits – allegedly – were all, “Sam, an old guy that flies? Lame,” and then likely demanded a storyline they call ‘Venom Wars’ in which Venom comes back only there are like five of him and so there’s a Mary Jane Venom and a JJJ Venom and a T-Rex Venom, because kids love dinosaurs, and maybe also Venom Uncle Ben (“Uncle Benom?”) could show up and say something like “With great power comes a righteous ass-kicking, Petey!”* Oh, and a romantic subplot involving the Black Cat, who is not a Venom but maybe she is revealed to be at the end in a shocking twist? And Carnage. And Anna Kendrick as Paper Doll.
But is the Vulture really that lame of a villain? He certainly could fit the ‘genius guy who turns evil under the influence of his own creation’ theme that Raimi cultivated in his first two Spidey films. But he’s far from the worst choice in the Rolodex of horrible Spider-Man villains. In fact, here are five that are totally worse than the freaking Vulture.
1. The Shocker – I fully anticipate someone coming into the comments and defending the propriety of the Shocker, since he is in fact an OG member of the Sinister Six and a pretty long-standing Spidey-foe, but let’s face facts:
1. His name is The Shocker
2. He makes things vibrate.
2. The Black Fox – You think the Vulture is bad? What about an old guy who doesn’t fly?
3. The Foreigner – Truly the breakout character of 1986, The Foreigner is a professional assassin and head of the 1400 Club (which is, according to the Foreigner’s Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe – Update ’89 entry, twice as deadly as its nearest competitor) who spends the majority of his face time in in comics hiring other people to kill or otherwise inconvenience Spider-Man, none of whom are successful. Oh, and he made out with Black Cat a couple of times, so he’d be perfect to mix into the new Spidey flick!
4. Big Wheel – A man trapped inside a giant metal wheel that bristles with guns. His name, dear readers, is Jackson Weele.
5. Kangaroo – As you might expect, the Kangaroo is really good at jumping. He has air jets in his boots that make him jump super-well. As nature shows and Looney Tunes have taught me, kangaroos are dangerous animals and should not be messed with. And the Kangaroo doesn’t have to worry about running out of webbing, does he? Well, heck, I could just say that for all five of these guys.
And that’s the list. All five of those are so much worse than the Vulture, don’t you think? Honorable Mention goes to a Kraven the Hunter played by Bruce Campbell who isn’t actually a threat and is just there to be funny.
With a fresh reboot on the horizon, who do you think we should see as the villain in a new Spider-Man movie? Let us know in the comments!
*I have made all of this up**
** Marvel, call me.
The Shocker would make an awesome villain! Why not go with Puma or the Rose or someone like that.
Wait. If the 1400 Club is twice as deadly as its nearest compeitor, does that make the competior THE 700 CLUB? The story-telling possibilities are endless.
Does this Kangaroo box?
I think a Malkovich Vulture would have been spectacular, as would an Anne Hathaway Black Cat; or maybe even both of them. I’m just having a hard time seeing how the Vulture wires himself into the themes of the franchise in the same way that the previous villains have…
Jason, I think we’d have to ask David Micheline to be sure, but I’m pretty sure that was the insinuation of the 1400 Club.
You guys remember Dr. Jonas Harrow, the dude who was responsible for souping up Kangaroo and Hammerhead and who knows who else?
I think that, honestly, a cool story would involve Harrow powering up all these dudes to take out Spider-Man, but Spidey not knowing why, and then having to do detective work to figure out Harrow’s beef. In the end, the other baddies turn against Harrow too, because his modifications are only temporary and they eventually cripple the subject.
Shit, I need to pitch this to Marvel for a Marvel Adventures: Spider-Man story STAT. Don’t steal it, dudes!
Ah, the Spider-Man Revenge Squad.
Scott: For a given value of terrible, I don’t think The Rose is terrible. Dependent on a long-form Kingpin storyline, yes, but not terrible. As for Puma, well, Kangaroo is worse and, if I’d wanted to, I could have filled a top 20 list with bad animal-themed villains.
Matt: Like Doc Ock, Vulture is a pure scientist who gets shafted and snaps, using one of his inventions to wreak havoc. Moreso than the animal connection (which I’ll still support from the JMS run), so many of the iconic Spidey villains are evil opposites to Peter Parker in that they’re old science geniuses who use their inventions to steal shit, while Peter is a young science genius who uses his inventions to stop them (this is, of course, disregarding the irradiated spider and thinking more of the web shooters, the spider tracer and all that other shit, and I know that the web shooters are a mutation in the movies, but really, what I’m saying is that Spidey stories with a classic feel are always about the use and misuse of SCIENCE! or whatever.
I see what you’re saying, and I guess my only response is that they’ve already kinda done that in the movies with Doc Ock, and even to a lesser degree, Green Goblin…and were they to ever have gone back to Dr. Curt Conners, they would have been able to do it again.
I love the Vulture as a character; I just think they would have had to tweak his roots a bit to give the franchise more variety, as opposed to “here’s another science villain.”