The first few things that pissed me off about FlashForward were the two blatant examples of Lostie-baiting, both in the show’s first eighteen minutes.

That portion of the series was made available online before the premiere aired; several of the reviews I read commented favorably on those eighteen minutes and, yes, compared them to Lost’s opening episode, and the plane crash that kicked off that series.

On FlashForward, we spend about ten minutes “getting to know” a set of still-dusty stock TV characters pulled off the “hour-long network drama” shelf; something weird happens; the world goes batshit; a car explodes.

See? Just like Oceanic 815’s engine exploded! It wouldn’t surprise me if it was timed in the episode down to the second to match Lost’s explosion.

Then Joe Fiennes, playing an FBI agent who seems shockingly unconcerned with doing his job (protecting and helping people, right?) during a major disaster, goes looking for his wife and sees a kangaroo jumping down the street.

See? Just like the polar bear! A kangaroo in Los Angeles, hoppin’ down the street? How STRANGE. Why, I bet there’s a MYSTERY behind that. (Cue Ralph Dinby nose wiggle.)

Actually, my first thought was that maybe the nearest zoo had experienced some kind of mishap during the weird happening, and the kangaroo cage was open, and the animal escaped. Thank goodness for ABC, who then teased out the series into the next commercial break with a loud close-up of the jumping kangaroo and the announcer intoning coyly, “REMEMBER THE KANGAROO.”

Got it. Thanks, announcer guy! Clearly, if you say something weird is happening, and there are going to be answers, I MUST BE INTERESTED, even if I have absolutely no reason to be.

I was complaining about FlashForward before I even watched episode one; we caught up with it a few days late, and so I saw this story over at io9 yesterday:

Ratings for Thursday’s premiere were strong, but even in a worst case scenario, producers for ABC’s FlashForward say they’ll need three seasons to properly tell the story they’ve started. Looks like we’re in for a long haul.

A long haul, indeed. My buddy Jason basically said exactly what I was thinking:

A show really needs to earn the viewer’s trust before it goes off the deep end. It took 3 seasons before Lost went full sci-fi.

“Earn the viewer’s trust.” Exactly.

Think back to Lost’s opening episode. What happened? Shit, I don’t remember much, but of course I remember the plane crash, and the questions, many of them based around not the weirdness of the island, but the characters themselves.

Ultimately, what you had were a group of interesting characters with intriguing stories who were stranded together on an island, and something odd was going on. It wasn’t like they crash-landed inside the hatch and jumped through time and saw a polar bear and saw giant stone feet all within the first hour. You were drawn in by the characters and their plight, and THEN the show’s larger story began to unfold, and all along, the flashbacks kept you rooted in the characters. And sure, the seventh Jack flashback where he was depressed in a hospital and/or drank too much got tiring, but at least there was something substantial on which to hang our viewing caps.

FlashForward has nothing quite so alluring, except its high concept, where everyone on earth experiences two minutes of the future at the same time. Good high concept. I’m intrigued. But without good characters, I don’t give a shit.

These aren’t good characters. The writing is cloying. Joe Fiennes and his wife express their love through ironic statements of hatred, such as “You’re a crappy husband.” Ho, ho! Fiennes’ partner, played by the new Sulu, is conflicted because his fiance wants to use “Islands in the Stream” as their wedding song. Quirky!

And without good characters, the mind starts to wander. Fundamentally, why would the flash-forward even be a mystery at all? Wouldn’t the vast overwhelming majority of people experience what Courtney Vance’s character saw – himself doing something completely mundane and boring, like taking a shit? Isn’t it odd that so many people all connected to one another just happened to notice life-changing events within two minutes?

And why are these random FBI guys in LA, who seem to be part of some “Investigative Whatever” unit, suddenly heading up an exploration of what the hell happened? And is their “big idea” seriously to LAUNCH A FUCKING WEBSITE?! Yeah, that’s a great one. Maybe you can use this miracle invention called the TELEPHONE to contact people through MAGIC.

It started grating on me, and it kept grating on me, and it convinced me never to watch again. FlashForward is an annoying, presumptuous series trying way too hard to replicate the Lost formula, without even an ounce of that show’s wit, depth, or character development. It’s a shitty ripoff. Thanks, but no thanks.