The Guys’ Guide to Comic-Con 2009

The Guys’ Guide to Comic-Con 2009

Jun 18

Comic-Con. It’s not just for nerdy guys anymore.

That’s right-you dweebs, geeks, and weirdos who only crawl forth from your parents’ basement once a year and face the blinding light of a southern California afternoon just for the opportunity to paw Master of Kung-Fu back issues and augment your masturbatory fantasies of Eliza Dushku by sitting a few feet outside the restrictions of the restraining order while she gasses on about how happy she is to be working with Joss Whedon, even as she’s thinking, “Something smells like mildew and underwiped ass,” and she’s smelling YOU-yes, YOU-it’s not just for YOU anymore!

It’s also for scum-sucking Hollywood slime hoping to leverage your shameless enthusiasm for anything that sniffs of “geek” into cheap coverage for their vapid, horrendous projects! And for moronic “writers” who treat stereotypes as gospel in a ham-handed attempt to snort some coke off the bare ass of the zeitgeist! And supposedly, for DA LADYEZ!!! Even ones who aren’t compensating for cripplingly low self-esteem by wearing inappropriately skimpy outfits in a crowded public place!

This summer’s event, taking place July 23-26 in the San Diego Convention Center, could shape up to be a smorgasbord for overweight white guys. We’ve got a pretty good idea of what eager fanboys can expect (aside from one heck of a set of knockers on that chick from True Blood-you know, the one who was in X-Men? I don’t know her name but she has BOOBS).

But wait, there may be more! Read on…



I bet you’ve seen those commercials on NBC where there’s some guy with a pocket protector and then some girl with massive tits. Well, that girl with the massive tits? She might come to Comic-Con! I bet she’s gonna wear something that’s a little tight, too, because she knows how you guys love to drool over women who wouldn’t cross the street to save your life in a raging inferno. She’s got some weird polish name, but dude, this whole show is slightly warmed-over quirky spy shit with a busty blonde, and we EAT THAT SHIT UP, don’t we? WE DO! Pretend it’s “clever” and a “light genre parody”! Who cares? MAMMARY GLANDS!



Men will be rushing the stage, offering to engage in a ham-fisted slap fight with Matthew Fox for the right to kiss the comely hand of co-star Evangeline Lily, perhaps the most-ogled geek fantasy object on TV right now, with the exception of that chick from Chuck. Evangeline, bring mace and extra soap.


New Moon

Twilight SUCKS. Amirite?


Kate Beckinsale for Whiteout

You know this flick is based on a critically-acclaimed comics series from Greg Rucka and Steve Lieber, but FUCK THAT. You’re a dude so all you care about is lips and assholes, so OGLE THE SHIT out of this unattainable broad who is desperately trying to salvage a career forever tainted by one too many Underworld sequels.


The Big Bang Theory

Look around you: Everywhere in the entertainment world, the geek is getting the girl. Just not in REAL LIFE. Oh, sure, sometimes you get to exchange lecherous Tweets with some unsuspecting lady in another city who’s made the mistake of revealing she once skimmed the Watchmen trade paperback at Borders, but that’s about it. Come demonstrate unwarranted support for an inexplicably popular shitcom that you think is poking “gentle fun” at your lifestyle, but that actually demonstrate thinly-veiled disdain for everything you care about and represent! Oh, and let’s not forget, FUNBAGS!


DC and Marvel Comics

Of course the Big Two comics publishers will have a big presence, hopefully unveiling more gratuitous cleavage and ass shots while asserting how little they give a shit that actual WIMMENS may read the horseshit they publish on a weekly basis. Remember-if you can’t make out an anus slipping from behind the thong, it ain’t a real American komik book!





  1. Kiala



  2. Twyst

    Waaaaah! 🙁 now I don’t wanna goooooo! 🙁 *scared*


  3. Wow, this cracks me up. Genius, thanks.

    And, talking seriously for a minute, you hit on what’s messed-up about the tone of the LA Times article. I certainly know guys who revel in the hotness of these actors/sexy comics art, etc (and I don’t blame them!) but if it was the only focus — or if anybody implied men came to comic-con just for the booth babes — it would be WEIRD.

    I do wonder about the extent to which the culture of girl fandom contributes to this misunderstanding. I feel like we’re more comfortable and less apologetic squeeing about this stuff and focusing our conversation on it (I mean, really, Kristina and I got to this site in the first place b/c Sarah was talking about Cyclops’ hair; if one of you guys had devoted similar space to, say, Batgirl’s locks, wouldn’t everybody be a little bit weirded out?) And I think somebody who’s only taking a quick outsider look at girl-fandom is going to assume that’s all we talk about, just as it’s easy to assume from a quick glance that all boy-fandom does is argue about continuity and who could beat who in a fight.

    Am I overanalyzing here? It doesn’t excuse the ‘Times’ for being stupid and stereotypical, but they didn’t pull the idea out of thin air, either.

  4. Jeff

    To be fair, the thing about Cyclops’ hair did weird me out. I just didn’t want to say anything. Shit, I just did.

  5. Jeff

    Of course, I’ve had hours-long conversations about X-Men continuity so it’s a bit of a pot-kettle thing.

  6. Matt

    Jeff: the discussion of Cyclops’ hair did inspire me to print out a picture of him and bring it to Great Clips. It didn’t really work.

  7. Ha ha, well, let me put it this way. WOMEN are not weirded out by 50 comment conversations about some dude’s hair. (Except the fact that he’s a comic book character, that is questionable to some. But not those who read comic books.) Whereas I think both genders would be weirded out if a guy started a similar conversation about a female? Or maybe it’s genuinely just me, that’s always possible.

  8. Sarah

    I would just like to say that I am very comfortable engaging in extensive conversations about hair with and about people of both genders.

  9. Matt

    I think we need to clarify: I’m like Sarah, in that I am comfortable with conversations about hair that involve men, women, she-males, and even some animals.

    But we’re talking HEAD hair. Back hair, chest hair, all other types of hair…NOT cool.

  10. Sarah

    Uh…I agree.

    *deletes new post draft*

  11. Jeff

    I was thinking of a post about my hair. Do you think we could get 50+ comments on that? I mean, my hair is pretty fabulous. Sarah?

  12. I know a girl who took a TPB of “Phoenix Endsong” to her colorist and said she wanted her hair to look like Jean Grey’s. It came out okay?

  13. I should emphasize this was not cosplay. She just liked the color.

  14. Sarah

    Was this “girl” your “friend” who is also named “Caroline”?

    Your hair is fabulous, Jeff, but you cover it up with a lot of hats (just like those mean artists who don’t want Cyclops’ flowing locks to fly free).

  15. Jeff

    I just have the driver’s cap and a fedora and a trilby and a few…okay, I see what you did there.

  16. Kiala

    I will talk about hair for as long as anyone wants to talk about hair. I will also talk about Physics and Heinlein’s questionable use of said Physics.

    Women don’t have to be one or the other. Amirite?

  17. Sarah

    You speak the truth once again, Kiala! *girlnerdhighfive*

  18. Jeff said “trilby”!

    And no, I never had my hair dyed bright red, which now begs the question, what am I waiting for? I *did* very nearly take an issue of “Phonogram” to a hairdresser’s once. I wonder if Jamie McKelvie ever gets called on to sketch potential haircuts for his friends?

    And I’m sure Matt is thrilled that the comments of his brilliant post have been hijacked for this conversation. In conclusion — BOOBS!

  19. Matt

    Aw, thanks, Caroline! Boobs indeed.

    So but like some girls really have a thing for hair, right? Not their own but on guys. I don’t know if I understand that but I think it’s probably pretty clear which aspects of a female body are most attractive for guys.

    PROTIP: Ladies, if a guy says he “likes your smile,” he doesn’t give a shit about your smile.

  20. Jeff

    You’re talking about a girl’s mind, yes? Because that’s my favorite. That and her smile. (No, seriously.)

  21. Mike

    Your assessment of the big bang theory: I wonder, Is thier thinly veiled disdain any worse than you’re whole-hearted and obvious disdain?

  22. Jeff

    This is why we can’t have nice things, Matt: Now the entirety of Big Bang Theory fandom is pounding down our door and flaming us with poorly spelled comments (and obvious disdain).

  23. Joe

    How the phuck is Kate Beckinsale trying to salvage her career when it doesn’t need salvaging? What kind of phucking clueless idiot are you? She’s had 3 good to great films in the last 2 years and has received rave reviews for her performances in all three. Snow Angels, Winged Creatures, and Nothing But the Truth, the last of which she received a Critic’s Choice nomination and probably would have received an Oscar nom had the releasing company not gone bankrupt before the awards season.

    This is not even mentioning the fact that she has Whiteout coming, as well as a film entitled Everybody’s Fine with Robert Deniro.

    Get a clue assclown.

  24. Jeff


  25. Matt

    I’m guessing we’ve attracted the attention of

  26. Joe

    “I’m guessing we’ve attracted the attention of”

    LOL! Hardly, just trying to set the facts straight because you obviously haven’t a frickin’ clue what the hell you’re talking about. Then again, you do write for a third rate website. So what would you know about anything.

  27. Jeff

    Joe, thanks for coming back. You rock.

    This post, and I hate to have to roll this out on you, is a parody of a “Girl’s Guide To Comic-Con” article that was published the day prior to Matt writing this post. We’ve preserved the snarky tone and oversexualized content that the original article had, but flipped the gender. It is not a serious indictment of Kate Beckinsale.

    I can’t speak for anybody else, but I don’t consider Kate Beckinsale a failed actress. Hell, I own the first two Underworld films and Van Helsing on DVD, Joe. I know for a fact that everybody in the Alert Nerd offices is looking forward to Whiteout.

    Also, you’re right about Matt being an assclown, but he’s our assclown.

    Finally, thank you for considering us a third-rate website. That is higher than much of our readership tends to rank it. We appreciate you reading what we have to say, and because of that – I shit you not – I’m declaring next week Kate Beckinsale week at Alert Nerd.

    Believe in the audacity of hope.

  28. Returning to this a little late — I’m not sure how interested I *actually* am in guys’ hair, but it’s one of those features that can be accentuated really well in comic book art? Except when John Cassaday gets the bright idea to put a cowl on Cyclops. I say thee, nay!

    Also, Kate Beckinsale sucks and so does Big Bang Theory. Another thing I hate is satire.

  29. Renae

    It’s so pathetically true. Love It! Thank You for making my day. hahaha


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