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This Is How You Know We've Jumped The Shark
This Is How You Know We've Jumped The Shark
Sep 18
Hiya.
My name is Jeff, but I’m basically Cousin Oliver. Or Ben-Gali. Matt, Sarah and Chris decided to bring me in to ‘sex up’ this blog for younger readers, what with me being ‘only 30’ (as Matt puts it).
You may already know me from my own blog or my contributions to the Elvis Costello blog I co-write with Matt and the world-famous Dazzler Fan Blog. If you’re a discerning reader (and between you and I, I think you’re pretty discerning), you might have seen my name in the pages of Grok, our humble amazing ‘zine.
For those of you who don’t know me already, here’s the text of my handbook entry:
Name: Jeff
Occupation: Marketer, Occasional Writer, Sometimes Teacher
Legal Status: Resident of Pennsylvania
Identity: Publicly known
Known Aliases: None
Marital Status: Married
Group Affiliation: Alert Nerds, Dazzler Fan Bloggers
Height: 6’5″
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Prematurely Grayish
Beard Status: Yes
Rock Band Band Names: Manic Chalice, Jefferson Stolarship
Geekiest Thing You Own: An original Scott Pilgrim page
If you have any other questions, especially ones that are embarrassingly personal, ask in the comments. I’ll answer them all in a follow-up “New Guy Q+A” post.
Now, I’m going to back out of here quietly. I still feel like I’ve broken into someone’s house or hacked Sarah Palin’s email.
Remember, it took Bill Murray a long time to get over the new guy syndrome on SNL. Make us laugh. Harder. HARDER!
Hey Axe,
Do you get PAID for any of this?
Paid? Keith, you’re hilarious.
Wow, you’re 6’5″? Question: Do you hit your head a lot? I feel like if I were more than half a foot taller (which is what it would take for me to catch you) I would hit my head a lot.
Hey, what happened to Dazzler Fan Blog?? That was my favorite blog on the whole internet!
“Cousin Oliver” and “sex up” in the same paragraph?! Even the ownership of an original Scott Pilgrim page cannot redeem you for that juxtaposition.
As for questions which I personally think important or pretend to think so…
1. What is the most mortifying nickname you’ve ever been given? Nicknames given by yourself don’t count.
2. Cake or pie?
3. How do you feel about symmetry?
4. If you had to have sex with a director, who would it be? Please specify pre- or post-death if they have passed on
5. Can you navigate your home in the dark? Does it make you nervous when people ask that?
6. Favorite exclamation (e.g. “egads!” “holy jesus fuck truck!” “great googly moogly”)?
I forgot to ask… how do you feel about the majestic turkey vulture?
What makes you cry?
Marjie, Robbie Rist will be very disappointed to hear your opinions on Cousin Oliver.
I’ll answer your impressive and terrifying (and impressively terrifying) questions later today!
Only question I have is, “How do I become an Alert Nerd?” If Jeff is Bull Murray, I’ll be Joe Piscapo.