So here we are: decking the halls, jingling the bells, fa-la-la-la-la-ing ourselves into a slightly manic frenzy of holiday cheer. But before we stuff our gaping maws full of festively-sculpted cheeseballs and fall into a massive lard coma, we’re giving you a little gift: a brand-new issue of Grok.

If you’ll recall, this is our PDF zine you can read on your computer screen or print out and tote wherever you desire. Within, you will find fiction, essays and other general hilarity dedicated to geek culture and the nerd experience, all centered around a delightful theme. This time ’round, we’re all about…Retcon.

Grok #5: Retcon (PDF)

In this issue…

Slimed in Klutziness, by Rob Bloom: Rob calls upon his all-powerful “spazzbrum” to recall — in hilariously excruciating detail — the time he got his entire family to try out for the greatest game show ever, Double Dare. Sliming, singing, screaming, and a whole mess of Nickelodeon-sponsored hijinks ensue.

Lunch of Two Worlds!, by Daniel R. Faust: Two of Earth’s greatest heroes convene over a cup of soup. But which “Earth” is it, exactly?!

My Epic Win, by Sarah Kuhn: Julie, Braidbeard, and the whole frakkin’ gang return in this holiday-themed mini-sequel to One Con Glory! Have they developed into socially mature, well-adjusted people who do not have stupid fights about things like All-Star Superman? (SPOILER ALERT: No.)
In honor of this little sequel and mushy-gushy romance-type things, we’re also giving away two copies of One Con Glory. Details here!

The Letter Home, by Matt Springer: What do you get when you mix disgruntled employees, social awkwardness, and a whole shitload of fried chicken? Nothing good, we’re betting.

Inside a Writers’ Room Attempting to Retcon My Life, by Ivan Sian: Ivan’s life is perfect. Sort of. Almost. Or it will be once network television’s finest hacks are done with it.

The Tale of the Gallant Sailor, Part II, by Matthew Walden: Embattled Navy officer Northrop Glitten returns…only to be haunted by ghosts both real and imagined.

Plus: Startling new storylines resulting from J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek retcon! Ten little-known Marvel universes! Shout-outs! Extensive corrections involving Magneto-based continuity! You will love every moment!

So. Once again, summer is about to hit us upside the head with crash-boomy blockbusters and Comic-Con-induced anxiety. Luckily, we’ve got just the thing for our nerdly brothers and sisters looking to cool off, chill out, and other trite phrases that describe the act of being un-sweaty: a new issue of Grok.

If you’ll recall, this is our PDF zine you can read on your computer screen or print out and tote wherever you desire. Within, you will find fiction, essays and other general hilarity dedicated to geek culture and the nerd experience, all centered around a delightful theme. This time ’round, we’re all about…Extra Life.

Grok #4: Extra Life (PDF)

In this issue…

LOLing Out Loud – Part I, by Sarah Kuhn: What do a web-obsessed wallflower and a hyperactive cosplayer have in common? Well…nothing, but somehow, they manage to be best friends. And one of them is about to get a virtual shock of the life-changing kind.

Resolution, by Kenny Jeffery: Real world or second life? “Meaningful” activities or night-long videogame binge? Should a true gamer have to choose?

Embracing Videogame Heresy, by Kristina Wright: What happens when one woman goes on a seemingly hopeless quest to find the perfect starter game for her young son? Kristina takes you along for the bumpy, thrilling, Super Mario Bros-avoiding ride.

Must Love Dice – Part I, by Jeff Stolarcyk: Dungeoneering Wizard Ron’s newly-single. Dungeonmaster Martin’s crushed out and confused. And unfortunately for both of them, love is extra complicated in the world of natural 20s, healing surges and saving throws.

Dead Means What?, by Caroline Pruett: Just how arbitrary are the so-called rules of life and death when you’re talking about the big, bad universe of comics? Caroline takes an exacting look at funny book death and the revolving door (and, for good measure, explains Holly Robinson).

Man Out of Time, by Matt Springer: Paul Freemont is lonely, fat, middle-aged, and about to make a deal with the devil…or maybe just a guy who happens to own a wicked-looking Lord of the Rings replica letter opener. Hard to say, really.

Also! Ivan Sian takes on everything from rejected videogame sequels to drunken hook-ups with Bit from Tron! It’s all there for the reading, so go forth and READ!

We’re very keen on doing our part to ensure that 2009 kicks a ridiculous amount of ass. Part of this will involve homemade shirts featuring our all-time favorite fanfic fantasy pairings (watch for Jeff’s “Edward Cullen + Havok: 4-Ever Angst” tee at NYCC!). The other part is making more issues of Grok.

If you’ll recall, Grok is our little PDF zine about nerd stuff. Check out the sidebar for further explanation. Every issue has a theme: Grok #3 was “Nameless Horror,” which means everyone who read it had countless nightmares about monster ticks and the suspiciously delicious hashbrowns at the Arkham Waffle House.

For #4, we’re going a little more game-y and calling it…

Extra Life.

And! And! We want you to contribute. Write something, draw something, whatever. Check out previous issues for an idea of what we’re looking for. And remember that the theme can be interpreted as broadly or as specifically as you choose.

If interested, please drop a line to fangirl@earthlink.net, tell us your idea, and take us from “potentially” to “definitely awesome.”

Not content to rest on our laurels after the amazingcrazy release of Grok #3, we’re having yet another theme week, much like this Fall’s Grok the Vote. Except it will be even better, just because we’re even more awesome.

Hyperbole aside, we’re having a Christmas* themed week of posting, starting tonight and going right up through Christmas Day. We’ve got a few Secret Guest Posters lined up, too, including a visit from Grok’s editor in chief Fake George Lucas; if YOU want to contribute, hit us up on Twitter or send us an email.

Happy Holidays to all of our loyal, smart, and attractive readers. You deserve a pony or the USS Flagg, whichever one you wanted as a kid but NEVER GOT.

*Or Yule, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, etc.  We’re equal opportunity nerds.

The holidays can be a bit much, eh? We’ve already spent way too many hours stuffing our faces with eggnog-flavored gagh, shoving through the mall in search of discontinued Mighty Muggs, and avoiding the handsy Skrulls that always seem to be lurking under the office mistletoe (yes, we know He Loves Us; no, we do not need a one-on-one demonstration).

And yet, we can’t help but be gripped by a certain joyful spirit and goodwill toward geeks and we want to make sure your year-end festivities are as stupendously awesome as possible. So we have a little gift for you…Grok #3!

If you’ll recall, this is our PDF zine that you can read on your computer screen or print out and tote wherever you desire. Within, you will find fiction, essays and other general hilarity dedicated to geek culture and the nerd experience. This time ’round, we went a little Lovecraftian with the theme and called it “Nameless Horror.”

Grok #3: Winter ‘08, Nameless Horror (PDF)

In this issue (which, incidentally, is our fattest edition evAR and features glorious cover art by the amazing Toren Atkinson)…

One Con Glory, Part III, by Sarah Kuhn: As Julie’s tale of “sex and woe and fandom” finally wraps up, the following things occur: People chase each other. There is a very important Buffy debate. Braidbeard meets his fate. Oh, and someone Twitters something.

So This Ghost Walks Into a Bar… by Jeff Stolarcyk: Jeff shadows some professional paranormal investigators for a night and has a few close encounters of the extremely spooky kind. As some dude once said, the truth is out there.

Love, Lovecraft Style, by Matt Springer: Becky loves her Coo-coo-lulu as only a 16-year-old “world-weary veteran of the battlefield of love” can. But does Coo-coo-lulu feel the same way?

Autotaxonomy, by Samantha Rich: Choosing your internet pseudonym is one of those excruciating experiences that involves hours of pondering, teeth-gnashing, and swapping out “Y”s for random vowels. Samantha explores the pain.

So Perfect, by Stephen Graham Jones: Teenage girls. Ticks. The quest for perfection. To say anything more would be to spoil things, but rest assured: you will have nightmares.

My Tattoo, by Chris Stewart: Chris has a dirty little secret. OK, so it’s sort of given away in the title, but as with most interesting stories, there’s a lot more to it than that. Horror — capital “H” — is involved.

The Tale of the Gallant Sailor, by Matthew Walden: Long ago, when wishes still came true, there lived a father who performed his service to the world as a reactor operant on a nuclear submarine. Second class petty officer of the United States Navy, Sir!, was his rank and Northrop Glitten was his name. This is his story.

Yelp Reviews of the Arkham Waffle House, by Ivan Sian: I ordered my hash browns “scattered, smothered, and covered,” NOT “scattered, smothered, covered, slimed and coated with entrails.” OK?

Plus: filler jokes! Throwaway quizzes with funny art! Scintillating contributor bios! And another letter from your pal Fake George Lucas! Check it out…if you dare!

As a nerd who is not a hardcore Trek fan, I have to confess that the new Trek trailer (which isn’t exactly new, is it?) gets me going a bit.  As an artifact of the way I viewed TOS, I don’t think I’ve ever really had a grasp on the character behind Kirk, nor have I ever really had it explained to me.  There’s something perfect about that very first scene in the trailer that communicates who Jim Kirk is to me, and he’s a guy I think I like.  The rest of the trailer tries very hard to communicate this grand, epic sentence, and I like its trailer-appropriate stings of sturm and its accompanying drang (it stimulates the part of my brain that sneaks into Michael Bay movies).  However, all of the subsequent fireworks are kind of dross to me after watching some cowboyish little kid drive an incalculably valuable classic car off a cliff for no apparent reason.

If you find Grant Morrison’s work on Batman and/or Final Crisis difficult to follow, you may want to invest in the recently solicited 3-pack of Blank Comic Books.  Not to make your own, but to let your mind get invested in a story that it can follow without suffering psychic damage.  As to Batman RIP, it was really a bit of a non-ending, no? It wasn’t bad at all (and by that I mean that I think it’s quite good, not just the stock, dismissive “not bad,” but expecting more from it wasn’t unreasonable.

Though I have generally broken up with DC Comics, I still maintain that I will fight anybody who dislikes  New Frontier.

Who is Fake Dan DiDio?  Who cares?  BUT — the heavy-handed, thinks-its-witty-but-actually-isn’t tone of the updates makes me think that it might actually be Triple D himself.

Hearing that One Tree Hill sire Mark Schwann is developing the new Melrose Place is causing quite the hubbub (is that still a word?  23 skidoo!) in the lushly appointed Alert Nerd offices.  It won’t be good, but will it be so bad it’s good?  We’ll be sure to give you a full accounting.

Oh, and the amazing amazingness that is Grok #3 drops tomorrow.  It features the complete lyrics to the Ewok Celebration Song.  And that’s only on one of its 69 GIANT SIZED pages.

We went through a couple different ideas on how to celebrate the holidays here at the Alert Nerd/Grok compound, and we have QUITE the amazing holiday present for you fine folks coming later this week.

Until then, here’s a little something to get your holiday parties ROCKING OUT: Our first annual holiday mix CD/playlist! Download it today and watch the faces of children, the elderly, and vagrants light up as you crank bitchin’ holiday tunes with a geeky bent out your car window.

I take full blame for the included insert, which sucks desperately.

As for the track list…well, you gotta download to find out! But it’s decent. Most of it’s good stuff, with a bit of novelty sprinkled in–that’s how I like my holiday mixes, and also, my men.

Ho ho ho!

It’s a crazy day, so let’s all take a moment to breathe. Why not chill alongside my friend Ellen’s cat, Loki, as he curls up with issue #2 of Grok? Loki really digs this essay by Jeff. Loki is very concerned about all the kitty-friendly geek establishments that have closed down in recent years. Loki feels Jeff’s pain and also wants to know if Jeff has ever tried this thing Loki loves, this thing where you stare at the wall and wait for shadows and light to appear and then stare at it some more? It’s very soothing. Loki thinks you ALL should try it, not just Jeff.

OK. Loki says you can go back to stressing out now. But, Loki reminds you, don’t forget to Grok the Vote!

Yes, this headline does not rhyme as pleasingly as “Grok #2 Wants You.” We’re sorry. We try to be consistently awesome, but sometimes it just doesn’t pan out.

Anyway! Hot on the heels of the blockbuster that was Grok #2: Secret Origins, we’re preparing another exciting issue of our little PDF ‘zine. And we want YOU to contribute!

Once again, the mission statement: this is an electronic magazine dedicated to sharing stories, examinations and opinions of geek culture. That means stuff like fun essays, fiction and the like focusing on the nerd experience. For further explanation, wander your little eyeballs to the sidebar on the right. And for examples of the kinds of ideas we’re looking for, peruse the two issues we’ve released already. They’re pretty swell.

Each issue also has a theme — #1 was Pon Farr, #2 was Secret Origins. This time around, we’re going a little Lovecraftian and calling it Nameless Horror. This can be interpreted as broadly or specifically as you choose.

Do you have chills yet?

If you want to write and/or draw something, please drop a line to fangirl@earthlink.net and tell us your idea.

Do it!

How did you spend your summer vacation? Entangled in the sweaty embrace of Comic-Con? Trying to set the world record for Most Consecutive Viewings of The Dark Knight (In IMAX, of Course!) EvAr? Mounting a spirited, M&Ms-focused campaign to ensure The Middleman doesn’t get canceled?

We…wish we had done all of these things, but instead, we whiled away our days assembling the latest issue of Grok. If you’ll recall, this is our PDF zine that you can either read on your computer screen or print out and tote wherever you desire. It’s a throwback to our heady days of college zine-ing with a slightly modern twist.

Within, you will find essays, fiction and general silliness exploring geek culture and the nerd experience. The pieces are a bit longer than what you will generally find on the site (in some cases, spanning an unnecessary, er, epic amount of pages) and they all center on a theme chosen by the editors. This time around, the theme is…SECRET ORIGINS. (Please say it in a loud, spooky voice, as if the words are always in all caps and maybe in a creepy, squiggly font.)

Grok #2: Summer ‘08, Secret Origins (PDF)

In this issue…

One Con Glory, Part II, by Sarah Kuhn: Curmudgeonly comics fangirl Julie’s last words in Part I: “Oh fucking shit.” Find out why as she continues her adventures at the unfortunately-named GinormoCon. There may be a Guitar Hero tournament involved.

I Was a Teenage Letterhack, by Matt Springer: Matt reveals his tragic past as a compulsive comics letter writer. Find out why he once penned the words “Bloodwynd looks to be a fascinating new character” and so much more. Thanks for noticin’ him!

The Facebook Newsfeed for Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, by Ivan Sian: Those crazy X-Men are all about the Superpokes! But why won’t anyone play poor Beast at Scrabulous?

Misspent from the Outset, by Jeff Stolarcyk: Jeff takes a trip down memory lane, a locative look at his own secret origins. Old comics and gaming stores are explored, with thought-provoking results.

Connected, by Ken Simon: A mild-mannered librarian/tech guy scratches the surface of his seemingly mild-mannered life to discover the secret origins of ordinary. In other words, find out how Ken almost partied with the stoners and why he was once known as “Ken Van Nuys.”

Grokfiles Learn about the scintillating secret origins of some of your favorite nerd superstars, including Lea Hernandez, Felicia Day, Jon Collins, Marc Wade and Fred Chao!

All this, plus another letter from your pal Fake George Lucas! So read on, print out and/or send to your friends! Share the magic of Grok #2: SECRET ORIGINS!