Hawkman: Shit-Kicking Outer Space Redneck

Hawkman: Shit-Kicking Outer Space Redneck

Aug 15

This is my just-in-time entry to pal Jeff’s First Inaugural Hawkman Pitch Contest. You may have seen we have our own pitch contest going right now, The Shitty Watchmen Sequel Contest. I’d plug it but frankly our prizes suck compared to original art, so pal Jeff has pretty much stolen our thunder. As he should. He is thunderous.

And so, the pitch…best of luck to all.

Let’s start with a basic rundown of what makes Hawkman worth keeping around:

1) He’s a cool-looking dude with wings.
2) He carries a bad-ass mace.
3) His vibe is that he’s this tight-ass warrior dude who doesn’t have time for pointless rhetoric like Green Arrow’s lefty leanings. Beat downs now, ask questions later.

In short, he’s kind of an otherworldly redneck–the Ted Nugent of superheroes.

Let’s run with that, shall we?

First off, the Carter Hall/Katar Hol we know now and have known in the past–all these characters and ideas are for the time being GONE. I’m not even that up on where the character’s at these days, but let’s assume he’s still a Thanagarian warrior–send his ass back to Thanagar and let him be, or kill him in this stupid war that needs to end soon, but will be someone else’s problem because you couldn’t pay me enough to write that shit. (Okay, you could pay me enough. If DC paid me AT ALL, thus making me a paid comics writer, I’d probably do it. Anyway.)

The new Hawkman is also Thanagarian, and his name is Hosin Kel, or something similarly alien. (I like “Hosin” because his friends could call him, yes, HOSS.) He’s sent to Earth by the Thanagarian army on some trumped-up bullplop assingment because frankly, he’s not a very good soldier.

He is, however, a good fighter, and when he arrives on earth–living in, let’s say, Atlanta or Charlotte or some other southern town that’s somewhat civilized but is still a short drive from trailer parks and wild goats–he dives into his version of the superhero lifestyle with gusto. He beats the living crap out of bad guys, he crashes drug dens and mob meetings, he “helps out” whenever he gets wind that the JLA or the Teen Titans or the freaking Doom Patrol is out someplace getting up to heroics. They may not always want him around; in fact, he probably drives most of them nuts–but there he is. He’s nothing if not dependable, as long as he’s not hung over from the night before.

He also indulges in his natural appetites with abandon–he LOVES American trash culture, from fast food to cheap beer and fast women. He’s incredibly good looking, can be incredibly charming, and wouldn’t know an Egyptian artifact from the holes in his ass. (Thanagarians have two assholes, by the way.)

In other words, he’s not very smart. His chief gift is kicking ass. He does this well, and on a regular basis. He has big appetities and a short fuse.

That’s the character. His supporting cast will be made up of folks he knows from his life in the far rural suburbs of Atlanta (or wherever)–an old lady who’s his next-door neighbor, the cute checkout girl who works at the supermarket where he stocks shelves, that girl’s 4-year-old son, a few buddies who are regulars at his favorite local bar, and maybe one or two other superheroes who also enjoy the occasional raucous evening out. I would LOVE to get Guy Gardner as a supporting character here–he may have finally met his match.

There’s my pitch. Hosin “Hoss” Kel, alias Hawkman–space alien, shit-kicker, superhero.