The X-Files: I Want To Care

The X-Files: I Want To Care

Jul 29

I went to one of the first “official” X-Files conventions and it was pretty sad. There wasn’t really any merch to speak of, save for a glossy, overpriced poster featuring half a giant Mulder head and half a giant Scully head staring back at you, urging you to believe. I think one of the Big Two was supposed to be there, but canceled. We did get Cancer Man and Langly — the latter was especially cool, doing a spritely q&a session/improv exercise and fielding the usual “can I have a hug/a lock of your hair/YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL” queries with panache. There was an underlying frisson of excitement — the thrill of a new genre phenomenon coming into existence — but also the overwhelming sense that this entire event wasn’t very well-planned, that they just kind of threw a bunch of X-Files-y stuff into a room and assumed everyone would eat it up. And at the time, we were all too willing to do so. You know where I’m going with this, right? Because, damn…a lot sure has changed.

Warning: There are SPOILERS for the new X-Files movie behind the cut. Although you probably don’t even care about that, do you?

On Saturday, me and my friend Nicole hustled ourselves down the length of the Santa Monica Promenade, batting slow-moving tourists and cumbersome children out of the way. We were late. “I don’t want to sit in the front!” she huffed. “What if it’s sold out?!” “We should just wait for the next showing,” I agreed. We finally arrived at the theater and dashed up to the counter. A strange aura of peace blanketed the lobby. No crackle-y popcorn sounds, no harried ushers screaming about holding on to your ticket stubs.

“How full is it?!” we panted.

“What?” asked the ticket-seller, Buddha-like.

“The X-Files! How full is it?”

“Oh. It’s not full at all.”

“Really?!”

“There are…29 people.”

“…oh.”

Yeah. Oh.

Truth be told, I wasn’t really surprised by this total lack of response. The pre-release buzz was all but silent. No one seemed to remember when, exactly, it was coming out. Lots of Fan Apathy (Fapathy?).

But 29 people? Yikes.

The film, it must be said, is not good. I wanted it to be good.

There’s been a lot said about how this is a stand-alone adventure, how you can get into it even if you never watched the show. One of the core problems, actually, is that it tries to be all things to all people — to somehow satisfy the old ‘philes while still appealing to the clueless. The “case” isn’t really that supernatural — sure, there’s a maybe-psychic and a slightly freaky element, but at heart, it’s a potboiler-type thriller that wouldn’t be out of place on Criminal Minds or even CSI. And there are moments that should be Big Moments, but are treated sort of half-assedly. Like when Skinner shows up for all of five minutes, it’s kind of like they want you to go “Whoo SKINNER,” but they introduce him in such an ordinary way, you’re more like…”Oh, Skinner?”

Mulder and Scully are together — yes, together — and initially that’s a thrill…but then they start fighting over drummed-up conflicts and are basically separated for half the movie. I would have loved to see them working together as a couple with their signature wit still intact. That would have been interesting, a slightly different cast on the dynamic. Instead, fight, rar…also, your beard is scratchy!

Maybe the most frustrating thing, though, is there are hints that this could have really been something. I think Carter wanted to take on some pretty big issues, here — faith and logic and love and believing in what you see versus what you feel. That’s great stuff, especially when you have these two iconic characters to explore said issues. It comes together a bit in the final two scenes, which give Scully some pretty interesting emotional stakes and have a lovely, delicate touch. But by then, it’s kind of too late. We’ve already been through a half-baked plot and some bizarre overacting from special guest stars Xzibit and Amanda Peet and a few weirdly on-the-nose moments (like Mulder actually saying “I want to believe”).

And that’s too bad. Because given the lack of butts in seats — 29 people! — I think this is the end for The X-Files. We don’t want that overpriced poster anymore. If you throw a bunch of stuff in a room, we probably won’t show up. We’re done.