Grok The Vote: Voting Day Line-ups. WWND?
Nov 03Honestly, on voting day, what will ninjas do? Something to seriously consider. Here are my thoughts;
1) You’ll, never, ever know they are there. The less cunning ones would be easier to spot, having perhaps disguised themselves as bamboo salesmen or traveling minstrels from feudal Japan, but more than likely those one will have been weeded out well in advance of any polling, advanced or otherwise.
2) Careful spotters may notice tell-tale residual smoke from a ninja’s exit or in some cases, a few bodies, but being patriotic, these will almost always be voters who have already cast their ballot. If the deceased have not voted, there is clearly an evil ninja afoot how much be hunted and killed. The family of the avenged voter will get to cast the decease’s vote – if there is no family, the crowd will cast their vote by a show of hands. Also, all evil ninjas should be reported to election observers of all parties running.
3) Lee Van Cleef died in 1989, and therefore should not appear on any voter registries.
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Grok The Vote: Voting Day Line-ups. WWND?
Nov 03With the very real possibility of standing in lines for a couple of hours tomorrow (November 4th. Tuesday. Check local listings for showtimes), the question is begged; what would nerds do?
1) Reading – skip your comics pile, even the TPBs, as you’ll go through them too quickly. Your best bet is a paperback (fits in a pocket or purse – are they searching backpacks still?) and a couple of nerd friendly mags, like Geek Monthly, Royal Flush, Wired, Rue Morgue, MAKE, etc. Whatever you take, make sure it’s something you know you’ll like to read. Take that book and try the first few pages – pick again if you have trouble getting into it.
2) Mobile gaming – As with reading, the trick here is quantity without taking up space. One system – PSP, DS, what-have-you – one game. If there ever was a better time to finish every single piece of Katamari Damacy or Prof. Layton and the Curious Village, it probably involves time spent in a hospital. Games with a multiplayer component are good too, on the off chance someone else brings a console as well. But don’t choose MP over solid singleplay!
3) MP3 – Imagine trying to entertain yourself in the 2000 elections! All those CDs to juggle! Music is good, but podcasting is better, and Old Time Radio (which these days means almost anything that was made for radio up til the 80s) even better. Scour those torrents for BBC Radio comedies (Ectoplasm, Undone, Stephen Fry’s Complete and Utter History of Classical Music, anything by Terry Pratchett, etc.) or forgotten gold, like Rod Sterling’s Zero Hour radio plays from the 70s.
4) Quote-off – If you’re standing in line with friends, try communicating directly. Classic rules cover guessing the quotes given by the other guy, but a possible variation is re-doing a scene. Points lost/given when lines are missed or otherwise bobbled. And if you’ve really got the nuts for it, why not ham it up and entertain the crowd?
5) iPhone – Nuff said. It’s magical access to the internets, but remember; battery life. So, use sparringly (like, to check returns or contesting/confirming a line in your quote-off game.)
6) Layers.
DO NOT:
1) Snack it up – Save the food for post-voting-tacos, and go easy on the water (think sips when thirsty.) Avoid energy drinks and pop – you’re just begging to need to leave the line to go pee, and depending on the crowd, that may not fly. If you’re lucky, the crowd will be civilized about it, but just in case…
2) Don’t Talk Politics – It’s a bit fuzzy, but in general, anything that might be considered campaigning at polling stations is a no-no of various degrees of naughtiness, depending on where you are. And even if it’s not, who wants to get into a fist fight on voting day?
3) Wear costumes – Or more importantly, DO wear a costume, cuz that’d be AWESOME, but leave your blaster at home, trooper. If you have to ask why, perhaps just don’t dress up.
4) Not vote – Seriously, I make some room for people who can’t vote, because despite early polls and all the help offered by other voters, I’ll allow that circumstances can sometimes be a bitch. But not wanting or can’t be bothered to vote – fine. Hand in your opinion for the next two years (when you’ll get them back on probation for the mid-term elections.)
Alright – go get’em, and good luck tomorrow campers!
Grok The Vote: President Cosby Addresses the Nation on Healthcare Reform
Nov 03Friends and fellow Americans,
When I was growing up in Philadelphia, one of the kids we’d play with was named Albert. And Albert was fat. So fat. Albert was so fat that we all called him, “Fat Albert.” Not maliciously, you understand. We called Harold Tall Harold because he was tall. We were consistent. That reminds me of the time that Harold and I got on the J bus by accident. It was Memorial Day, and my mother had sent me to the store with a dollar fifty to get a package of hamburger buns so my Dad could grill up some bacon burger dogs. It was seven blocks to the store, but Harold was in a wheelchair from the time when Junior Brown knocked him over the side of the overpass when we were playing street basketball. We all hated Junior Brown. Because we were poor, we had to make up our own games, you know, so I invented a game where everybody stood against the fence with their backs to one kid, and this one kid, see, would pelt the kids with trash and rocks. I called that game “Junior Brown.” Kids today with their video games and their Pokemons and DVDs, they aren’t being raised correctly. Instead of neglecting your kids inside, open the door and neglect them outside. Anyhow, Fat Albert was so fat that he’d have to come into my house through the garage, and as you could hear him coming up the walk – hear him because the earth shook as he took each step: “BOOM” “BOOM” “BOOM” “BOOM,” “Hey Hey Hey, Missus Cosby! Is Bill around? We gonna go play Junior Brown!” – the refrigerator would hide in the closet.
Now, Fat Albert is a drain on our nation’s healthcare funding on account of he keeps getting into humorous accidents because he’s so fat. So what we need to do my friends is increase awareness and promotion of fitness programs in our schools. I have also been asked to remind you all there’s nothing healthier or more patriotic than Jell-O Jigglers.
Good night.
Grok The Vote: Voting With Your Dollars/Eyeballs/Ass Cheeks
Nov 03That’s always the popular nerd refrain, isn’t it?
“Vote with your dollars.”
Can’t stand the direction of the modern-day DCU? Vote with your dollars. Sick of mediocre genre TV shows on the major networks? Vote with your eyeballs. Hate George Lucas? Vote with your ass cheeks.
(And by that, yes, I actually DO mean take a steaming dump on his front doorstep.)
Naw, y’all, but seriously. The idea of “voting with my dollars” has always mildly fascinated me, because it makes perfect sense, and yet it ALMOST NEVER WORKS.
Seriously. Can you think of one single occasion where not purchasing something, or watching something, or buying a ticket to sit in a movie theater seat for something, has had any impact on that said something whatsoever?
Here’s a few brief examples of me voting with MY dollars.
