{"id":3629,"date":"2010-11-24T15:12:08","date_gmt":"2010-11-24T15:12:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/?p=3629"},"modified":"2010-11-24T15:12:08","modified_gmt":"2010-11-24T15:12:08","slug":"retcon-punch-episode-07-maureen-mcgovern-had-it-right","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/?p=3629","title":{"rendered":"Retcon Punch, Episode 07: Maureen McGovern Had It Right"},"content":{"rendered":"

New to Retcon Punch? Start at the beginning.<\/a><\/p>\n

Manic pixie dream girl. Manic pixie dream girl. Manic pixie dream girl.<\/p>\n

I repeat those words in my head as I navigate the winding road into the hills of Rancho Palos Verdes. I am trying to manage impatient speed and overcautious care. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tricky.<\/p>\n

Zooey Deschanel. Natalie Portman. Kirsten Dunst. Veronica…I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know her last name.<\/p>\n

I fell for some manic pixie dream girl bullshit and now I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an accomplice to a major theft and it is FREAKING ME OUT. But of course, it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a magic indie fairy spell; it was my own insecurities, my own gaping financial maw, my own loneliness. She helped me do this to myself, and now I need it to be over.<\/p>\n

What I really need is for someone to hit me and make this all go away. But the barriers of our reality aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t so flimsy. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know Veronica\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s last name, so I sure as hell don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know where she lives, which stops my plan A right dead. I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be speeding over to her house and demanding that she turn over the stolen property. <\/p>\n

I pursue my plan B, which involves appearing at Sid\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s front door on a Saturday morning to confess everything. Shit, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even want the fucking job anymore. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll temp, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll flip burgers, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll janitor at the local public school. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m ready to move on; if nothing else, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve learned that much from this escapade. <\/p>\n

I guess the real plan would involve me not being such a pussy and actually going through with the final stages of the crime. Instead, I spent the night on that awful couch, tossing and turning as a nameless bile crept further and further up my throat, until I could feel it burning constantly at the base of my tongue. I knew what the bile was trying to tell me–I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d behaved like an idiot, made a huge mistake, and the flimsy index card of a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153moral code\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I kept in my soul\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s back pocket got ripped when I fell back onto that awful couch for some illicit nookie. <\/p>\n

Blame it on the superheroes, I guess–when you spend as much time as I have reading the adventures of unimpeachable men in tights, you tend to end up on the right side of the law. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to imagine myself as the type of person Superman would knock into a light pole and then deposit into the Metropolis jail. Scratch that–I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to imagine myself as the type of person Superman would knock into a light pole on his way to deal with Brainiac or the Parasite. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d even rate the Man of Steel\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s full attention.<\/p>\n

**<\/p>\n

Sid bought a really amazing house with his proceeds from one-hit wonderment. It overlooks the ocean and has a tiki bar. Add those to the list of reasons I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m jealous of this ungrateful fuck. <\/p>\n

I pull into the driveway and realize I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have much of a plan. I feel like knocking on his front door is a good first step. So I knock, several times, and no one answers, several times. <\/p>\n

Finally I absentmindedly check the handle, and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s unlocked. Go figure.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been to Sid\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s house often enough, usually to drop off a hot book that he refuses to come pick up at the store but insists upon reading immediately. Sometimes when I stop by, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s in his boxers and I can see a high-end Apple laptop open to a major comic book message board, as though he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s literally planned his entire day around reading a comic book and then sharing his thoughts online. These moments make me feel well-balanced by comparison. Other times, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s in his boxers and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s porn open on the laptop and I need to take a shower stat.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sid?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d No reply. I cautiously step down the main hallway. To my left, Sid\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s obscenely large television mocks me with its majesty. To my right, down another long hall, is the kitchen\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6and Veronica. Raiding the fridge. In her underwear. <\/p>\n

She turns her head, sensing someone watching her, and I can see her mouth the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fuck\u00e2\u20ac\u009d from twenty feet away. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m frozen on the spot, so after a long second of regarding each other, she pads down the hall toward me, a box of Swiss Creme Rolls in her hand.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What are you doing here?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she hisses.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I could ask you the same.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I…slept over. Gotta keep up appearances.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You appear to be keeping up really good appearances. You appear really good. Apparently.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I completely fuck up the repartee, and I know it, and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing I can do but work hard to keep from gawking down at her mostly-naked body.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Was that an insult?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not sure.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Beat.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t keep this up. I have to come clean.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153\u00e2\u20ac\u2122Keep this up\u00e2\u20ac\u2122?! It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been twelve hours. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even have the comics; they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in my apartment.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think they need to go back to the store, or I think I need to tell Sid.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Is that what you were coming here to do? Or were you looking for me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s smirking now, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s appealing. Suddenly I wonder if I really expected to find Sid and tell him all my sins. Maybe deep down I was actually checking to see whether Veronica would be here, to determine whether the all-too-brief tryst we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d shared the previous night was something real, or just a show. Or is Sid the show? I think I really hope Sid\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the show.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have no idea what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m doing. This is hard.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d My resolve softens. Seriously, that morality index card is super flimsy. She puts her hand on my chest. <\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Take it easy. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re fine. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no reason–”<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Babe? BABE?!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

A door slams open upstairs. A clamber like two bowling balls dipped in Crisco comes tumbling down the stairs as Veronica pushes me into a closet.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shit, babe, where\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d you go? Little Sid misses you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Jesus.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I was hungry, babekins. I got a snack. Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eat and then we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll see what we can do about Little Sid.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Again: Jesus.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hold up, babe. I gotta show you this rad new helmet I picked up–”<\/p>\n

The closet door opens, and there I am, almost trembling, and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Sid in nothing. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a hulking mass of formless douche who could not even be bothered to put on a pair of fucking BOXERS whilst scampering around his own fucking HOME.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Ike?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s confusion, even bemusement. <\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hey, uh, Sid.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What the fugggggggghhhhhh\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even see it happen; I just see the result. Sid\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a pile on the floor and Veronica\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s standing behind him with a trampy Batgirl statuette in her hand. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a small wound on the back of Sid\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head bleeding, and if he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not unconscious, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s damn close. <\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Come on.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Veronica grabs my arm in her underpants and we hit the door and we get in my car and we drive, drive, drive. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s still clinging to the Swiss Creme Rolls.<\/p>\n

Retcon Punch returns in January!<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

New to Retcon Punch? Start at the beginning. Manic pixie dream girl. Manic pixie dream girl. Manic pixie dream girl. I repeat those words in my head as I navigate the winding road into the hills of Rancho Palos Verdes. I am trying to manage impatient speed and overcautious care. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tricky. Zooey Deschanel. Natalie […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[402,401],"class_list":["post-3629","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-fiction","tag-retcon-punch"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3629","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3629"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3629\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3629"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3629"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3629"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}