{"id":2212,"date":"2009-06-18T07:19:33","date_gmt":"2009-06-18T14:19:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/?p=2212"},"modified":"2009-06-18T07:19:33","modified_gmt":"2009-06-18T14:19:33","slug":"the-guys-guide-to-comic-con-2009","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/?p=2212","title":{"rendered":"The Guys’ Guide to Comic-Con 2009"},"content":{"rendered":"

Comic-Con. It’s not just for nerdy guys anymore.<\/p>\n

That’s right-you dweebs, geeks, and weirdos who only crawl forth from your parents’ basement once a year and face the blinding light of a southern California afternoon just for the opportunity to paw Master of Kung-Fu<\/em> back issues and augment your masturbatory fantasies of Eliza Dushku by sitting a few feet outside the restrictions of the restraining order while she gasses on about how happy she is to be working with Joss Whedon, even as she’s thinking, “Something smells like mildew and underwiped ass,” and she’s smelling YOU-yes, YOU-it’s not just for YOU anymore! <\/p>\n

It’s also for scum-sucking Hollywood slime hoping to leverage your shameless enthusiasm for anything that sniffs of “geek” into cheap coverage for their vapid, horrendous projects! And for moronic “writers” who treat stereotypes as gospel<\/a> in a ham-handed attempt to snort some coke off the bare ass of the zeitgeist! And supposedly, for DA LADYEZ!!! Even ones who aren’t compensating for cripplingly low self-esteem by wearing inappropriately skimpy outfits in a crowded public place!<\/p>\n

This summer’s event, taking place July 23-26 in the San Diego Convention Center, could shape up to be a smorgasbord for overweight white guys. We’ve got a pretty good idea of what eager fanboys can expect (aside from one heck of a set of knockers on that chick from True Blood<\/em>-you know, the one who was in X-Men<\/em>? I don’t know her name but she has BOOBS). <\/p>\n

But wait, there may be more! Read on…<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"chucksandprevspoil\"<\/a> <\/em><\/p>\n

Chuck<\/em><\/p>\n

I bet you’ve seen those commercials on NBC where there’s some guy with a pocket protector and then some girl with massive tits. Well, that girl with the massive tits? She might come to Comic-Con! I bet she’s gonna wear something that’s a little tight, too, because she knows how you guys love to drool over women who wouldn’t cross the street to save your life in a raging inferno. She’s got some weird polish name, but dude, this whole show is slightly warmed-over quirky spy shit with a busty blonde, and we EAT THAT SHIT UP, don’t we? WE DO! Pretend it’s “clever” and a “light genre parody”! Who cares? MAMMARY GLANDS!<\/p>\n

\"evangeline-lilly_l\"<\/a> <\/p>\n

Lost<\/em><\/p>\n

Men will be rushing the stage, offering to engage in a ham-fisted slap fight with Matthew Fox for the right to kiss the comely hand of co-star Evangeline Lily, perhaps the most-ogled geek fantasy object on TV right now, with the exception of that chick from Chuck<\/em>. Evangeline, bring mace and extra soap.<\/p>\n

\"Twilight-410-large\"<\/a> <\/em><\/p>\n

New Moon<\/em><\/p>\n

Twilight<\/em> SUCKS. Amirite?<\/p>\n

\"kate_beckinsale_gallery_10\"<\/a> <\/p>\n

Kate Beckinsale for Whiteout<\/em><\/p>\n

You know this flick is based on a critically-acclaimed comics series from Greg Rucka and Steve Lieber, but FUCK THAT. You’re a dude so all you care about is lips and assholes, so OGLE THE SHIT out of this unattainable broad who is desperately trying to salvage a career forever tainted by one too many Underworld<\/em> sequels. <\/p>\n

\"THE<\/a> <\/p>\n

The Big Bang Theory<\/em><\/p>\n

Look around you: Everywhere in the entertainment world, the geek is getting the girl. Just not in REAL LIFE. Oh, sure, sometimes you get to exchange lecherous Tweets with some unsuspecting lady in another city who’s made the mistake of revealing she once skimmed the Watchmen<\/em> trade paperback at Borders, but that’s about it. Come demonstrate unwarranted support for an inexplicably popular shitcom that you think is poking “gentle fun” at your lifestyle, but that actually demonstrate thinly-veiled disdain for everything you care about and represent! Oh, and let’s not forget, FUNBAGS!<\/p>\n

\"BC\"<\/a> <\/p>\n

DC and Marvel Comics<\/p>\n

Of course the Big Two comics publishers will have a big presence, hopefully unveiling more gratuitous cleavage and ass shots while asserting how little they give a shit that actual WIMMENS may read the horseshit they publish on a weekly basis. Remember-if you can’t make out an anus slipping from behind the thong, it ain’t a real American komik book!<\/p>\n

\"198154915_2b4a24e12f\"<\/a> <\/p>\n

REAL GIRLS<\/p>\n

OH SHIT YOU MEAN GIRLS LIKE COMIC BOOKS AND ACTION MOVIES AND VAMPIRES TOO?! DAMN I BETTER WEAR MY NOT-TORN ORIGINAL SERIES TREK T-SHIRT SO THAT WHEN I SPY THESE COMELY LASSES I CAN MAKE THEM TOTALLY UNCOMFORTABLE BY STARING WITHOUT RESTRAINT, EVEN THOUGH THEY MIGHT JUST BE UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY A CULTURE THAT OBJECTIFIES AND DIMINISHES THEM AS PART OF THEIR BREAD AND BUTTER. GAH<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Comic-Con. It’s not just for nerdy guys anymore. That’s right-you dweebs, geeks, and weirdos who only crawl forth from your parents’ basement once a year and face the blinding light of a southern California afternoon just for the opportunity to paw Master of Kung-Fu back issues and augment your masturbatory fantasies of Eliza Dushku by […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,69,26,27,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2212","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-comics","category-fandom","category-meta","category-movies","category-tv"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2212","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2212"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2212\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2212"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2212"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.alertnerd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2212"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}